Hellena Post - Creatrix

I've tried on so many uniforms and badges that now I'm just me - mother of 8 children and all that entails, flowmad, and human animal parent. Writer of this living book of a blog, philosopher, and creatrix of hand dyed and spun crocheted wearable art. I gave up polite conversation years ago, and now I dive into the big one's.....birth, sex, great wellness, life, passion, death and rebirth.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The maze of pregnant pauses

So Tribal Fibres came and went. Was an amazing show, with an incredible storyline to the beginning, amazing costumes, beautiful tribal belly dancers, talented artisans with their amazing creations, loads of promotion, an article in the paper - and hardly anyone came compared to last year. One of those things you can only realise in hindsight - it was a sunday night (bad for parents with kids at school), and on at the same time as a big car race down in the big smoke that blocked off access of 80% of the city to our hills event. Bah. Bit of a shame, but there you have it. Would have liked it if everyone had made stacks of cash and the whole thing had been a sellout but it wasn't to be.

But overall and above everything else I've been in a bit of a pregnant furze.....got a really bad reaction from two people close to us that went something like - "It's a real shame you're having twins because you aren't looking after the children that you already have properly" - which is because we aren't sending them to school. Which sent me into a bit of a spin. My first reaction was to write a 19 page epic about our philosophies and thoughts about natural learning or unschooling BEFORE I went and researched more about it and collected resources. I was so proud of what I wrote, and it was so supportive of me and the family, that I coalesced all our experiences and theories into a legitimate philosophy. Until I realised that nobody who had criticised us, and barely anyone in our extended network was actually interested enough to read it. I realised that schooling is one of those topics, like homebirthing and religion, that really triggers people off about thier own experiences or judgements, and if you're doing it very differently this whole reaction is magnified. Then I tried to work it out with these people who gave us the bad reaction, and realised there was a whole lot more there, and more triggers and experiences that created judgements, and what it all came down to for me was a matter of non-acknowledgement, non-acceptance and disrespect. And I realised that these attitudes are ones that have recurred as a constant theme through my life, and as I'm pregnant, it's no surprise that they're coming up now, and this experience, plus some dreams I've been having, leads me to think that I'm going to deal with a major life pattern during this pregnancy, and hopefully clear it!

And I've been having some pregnancy fears, (who doesn't?) and had a real rash of people telling me straight off the cuff, stories about babies and twins dying in the womb??? What's with that?? How could anyone think that's a groovy thing to tell a pregnant woman?? And then there's the re-living of past pregnancies that goes on, and my recent caesarean, and the state of homebirthing at the moment......*sigh*

I'm finding that I have so much to say about so many things, that I don't quite do any of them justice, and can't seem to find a forum for getting things out there! I have so much to say about caesareans and homebirth and natural learning and unschooling and the future of the planet and consciousness and crochet and spinning and the clothing we put on the biggest organs of our bodies and love and big families and primal role models and Friesland and my life..... And I keep wanting to put posts on here to get some of it out into the world, and get all confuzzled, and wonder how I can keep it short enough to be readable, and don't end up writing anything!!

But the big stinker at the moment is where we live. We haven't been away for two years, and the house has kind of lost it's shine, and I feel like we're living in a fishbowl. Community life is grand, except for when you want those moments away from other folks, where a big family like ours can just let down all the masks, and sigh a big sigh of relief and privacy..... So feeling kinda stuck and dissatisfied and ill at ease...over all sorts of things....and no exit seems apparent!

I'm sure it's all part of a pregnant pause that will compress me to a point, till it all explodes into directions I wouldn't have even dreamed of, and teaches me amazing stuff on the way. That's one resoundingly good thing about all of this! No matter how crap I may feel at the time, I know that ultimately everything's perfect, and will work out swimmingly, no 'work' required:) And usually in ways that I never even thought of, so worrying will lead to nothing but stress.....

This too shall end.