We drove off our community in full flight and trauma, straight into the Rainbow Cafe for lunch, where I met my new best friend and we had an impassioned talk and loved each other on sight, and then straight to a new friends house where she cooked us a roast and filled us so full of unconditional love it was stunning. In the process of her and her family helping us in the dead of winter, we actually helped them in a sweet and unexpected way. And then needing to sit somewhere and work out what to do next, I thought the very best place for a bunch of hippies to hide………was at a christian farm stay. I knew there was an unschooling camp coming up at Hosanna Farmstay, so I thought we should check out where it was going to be, as well as give the kids a holiday to take their minds off being so freaked out at seeing us scared for the first time in their little lives.
The minute that we explained to them what was going on, (we thought it was only fair) and we worked out that they were ex-hippies and I was an ex-christian, it was love at first sight. They nestled us under their wings, and their gentle WWOOF'ers took the kids on the farm chores, we were in tears often, and had all sorts of inspirational conversations. Even though I was into the eating of shadows, I was also into loving myself wherever I went. So I went totally into all the emotions that came. Fear, loss, grief, betrayal, anger, hyper vigilance. Many tearful conversations were had, between me and Currawong and especially Alex at Hosanna, while we stayed there a week. There was a moment of pure gold, when I was desperately trying to find connections and understandings talking with her, and compared god to chaos and gave her on a silver platter the opportunity to barter for my soul…. (I would have taken it up in my christian days myself). And she fixed me with a piercing gaze and said "We're all different, and God treats us all individually……you don't need to be like me" with a huge smile and hug. Could have kissed her I could. And the caretaker and his family were a treat, and Dutch, and came to us seriously one morning with the kids in tow, and sat down with the dad holding Currawong's hands. And they told us a story about how they prayed to God every morning, and wrote down the messages that came, and a month or so earlier, one of their daughters got a message that a family in a big bus was coming, who weren't christians, but they needed their help. They said a week before a family had come in a bus, but they were christians, and they thought maybe that detail was a bit different, but then we turned up and they knew the message was right after all. And they were so there for us in such a deep and unexpected way, and so much more than a safe place to hide, that I could just hug them all, and hold the memory as a golden star. They were angels of mercy and love, and when we left they threw us a huge lunch, and we parted to many promises of seeing each other regularly.
From there we were sheltered in a cosy and comfy shed in the garden of a mansion on a thriving community in Nimbin, and found all our needs and legal requirements beautifully met in the most amazing and resourced town I've ever lived. We were so fried from what had happened and working it out, but the landscape, dwellings, and friends who passed us around and sheltered us were so very beautiful. Currawong and I learnt about the long term effects of adrenaline on a body, and had many tense, teary, and desolate moments, looking at the chasm that had grown overnight between us and the community dream we'd been living. But while this was happening we were also being treated beautifully by the Police people who were dealing with our case of being intimidated, and then violating his bail conditions. A big burly constable was about as gentle as you could be with my shaky questions. People all around town helped out wherever they could. As well as our extended network stretching all over the country and welcoming us wherever we thought we needed to go. With legal matters we're here till they're done though.
And on the morning when I had us all packing up and going on the road till the court case, we fell into the most amazing house that we've ever lived in. We couldn't have tried harder to not get it than if we were actually trying - no references beyond phone ones, no income statement, fluffed phone messages, too many of us, but we just seemed to fall into it.
We love it so much it's silly. I feel so good living here, that I compare it to all the other people I tried to fantasise about a future with, as opposed to meeting Currawong and just settling into that future and meeting so deeply. It makes me think that every other house we've lived has just not been the right one. It holds us so well and beautifully. I've fallen in love with the land, it's powerfully intense, behind a major sacred site on a mountain. There are magnificent fig trees that I'm yarn bombing. I could burble on for a while about it's beauties, but there's a point I'm getting to. So we love it. We're happy. And thriving. And have realised a lot about ourselves and each other. I also had the most magical metaphysical experience of my life…..but those are all other stories.
The big lesson of the year for me, or maybe more to the point, the reaffirmed and confirmed lesson that I've been learning all my life that has really kicked through this year…….is that of the equal and opposite reaction. Every action, has an equal and opposite reaction, and that doesn't only count for physical things. When we send out love, it can often bounce back as hate, and vice versa. And this isn't dire or drastic or dastardly, but a reflection of a perfect composite of opposites that bounce off each other to change, move and become. Every single thing in the universe is energy that is constantly destroying and creating itself over and over, and we are also the same.
This year has been huge. I've learnt how good I am at 'making things good'. I've learnt that you really can't love someone who doesn't love themselves, cause they'll always prove you wrong. I've learnt to accept my equal and opposite of extremely good and bad. As well as the same in those around me I love (and hate). As good as a person can be, is as bad as they can be, and the scariest people are those that only own their good. Or their bad. We all project onto others the issues that we don't deal with in ourselves, and I've learnt enough from the arts of projection to be able to be projected at, without taking it personally anymore. I've learnt that security is an illusion. I've learnt that surrender is really the best tactic when dealing with everything. I wonder if we all do ourselves a collective disservice when we strive towards the good all the time, thinking that bad things that happen are an act of karma, and something that we're paying for, rather than seeing it as the equal and opposite, and the swing to the change, and the down to the up on the great see saw of life.
I'm reading a book at the moment. I don't read much offline anymore, having my fancy well and truly caught by the multi media splendour that is the internet, but old fashioned books with slightly brown edges and that booky smell still have my heart. At least I'm trying to read it, but I keep reading the first part over and over, and really stretching my head to fit it in. It's called 'The Tao of Physics' by Fritjof Capra, and it's all about how Quantum Physics is bringing the seeming opposites that are really a unity of science and religion together. Cause I don't know about you, but I think science without god is just about as silly as god without science, and as the man explains, Eastern mysticism has forever kept science and god on fairly good terms. And I've been most taken by the fact that early in our Western thinking, before Aristotle and Descartes separated everything out, there was a tradition where everything was seen as one and connected. In particular, Heraclitus, of the Milesian school summed it up about perfect. And every time I get to this bit in the book it just stops me completely, and I've got to sit and contemplate (or rather contemplate in that part of me that sits and thinks while my busy brain is active performing tasks or shutting out the chaos of 7 busy children) and really let it steep for a while. It goes like this….
…….The Milesians were called 'hylozoists', or 'those who think matter is alive', by the later Greeks, because they saw no distinction between animate and inanimate, spirit and matter. In fact, they did not even have a word for matter since they saw all forms of existence as manifestations of the 'physics', endowed with life and spirituality. Thus Thales declared all things to be full of gods and Anaximander saw the universe as a kind of organism which was supported by 'pneuma', the cosmic breath, in the same way as the human body is supported by air.
The monistic and organic view of the Milesians was very close to that of ancient Indian and Chinese philosophy, and the parallels to Eastern thought are even stronger in the philosophy of Heraclitus of Ephesus. Heraclitus believed in a world of perpetual change, of eternal 'Becoming'. For him, all static Being was based on deception and his universal principle was fire, a symbol for the continuous flow and change of all things. Heraclitus taught that all changes in the world arise from the dynamic and cyclic interplay of opposites and he saw any pair of opposites as a unity. This unity, which contains and transcends all opposing forces, he called the Logos.
If I wanted to sum it all up, I'd say it was interesting that I posted the story of Spiral-Moon's birth and bonding and the shift of our energies that destroyed and created a whole new community for us at about the same time that the very same thing was about to happen again. During the very short pregnancy and miscarriage of Bodhi Seer, which is the name that came to me when contemplating this baby, we experienced the very same shift through grief and bonding, instead of birth and bonding, and a very similar destruction and instant creation of the old energy, making way for the new. And it was so clearly obvious the equal and opposite, that for all the people that exited stage left rather traumatically, a whole bunch of people turned up on stage right straight away, that were similar but different. Everything that was destroyed was created again, fresh and new and brighter. And the change brought great growth.
Looking at life this way just really works for me. It makes sense of a lot of things on contemplation for a start, and it also takes the sting out of the 'bad' events, along with the guilt and self blame I've carried for the negative events in my life. Take the judgement out of good and bad, and see it instead as equal and opposite, and two interdependent parts of a logical whole, and all sorts of mini miracles can occur.
I wonder what next year will bring…..