Hellena Post - Creatrix

I've tried on so many uniforms and badges that now I'm just me - mother of 8 children and all that entails, flowmad, and human animal parent. Writer of this living book of a blog, philosopher, and creatrix of hand dyed and spun crocheted wearable art. I gave up polite conversation years ago, and now I dive into the big one's.....birth, sex, great wellness, life, passion, death and rebirth.


Saturday, January 12, 2013

Thanks


I’ve just had the best birthday and New Years Eve combination ever.  Had a magical little interlude of a holiday in our daily routines of cleaning and cooking and amusing and adjudicating and hugging and telling off and talking…..which is a pleasant little hum of a routine, but one that’s so sweet to take time out from as well.

Before we left my frangers (cyber bullies or haters) were biting, and when we got back I found a whole mess of new haters had found me and were traipsing silently and anonymously through my blog by the thousands.   When I get signs of haters on my blog, my whole body kind of quivers and internally shakes for a while, as a reaction to the pure hate and venom that I know will exist on the forum or venue that’s hosting the little hate debate.  With odd comments that make me smile or show a fragment of the angel inside the demonspawn commenting.  But it’s generally pretty nasty. 

And overwhelmingly, I feel a need to say to my shadow fans and my haters……….

Thank you.

I realised very strongly as I looked at the one and only comment on a new forum that I needed to read to test the flavour of, that I really didn’t need to read any more.  And most likely never will.  Because I already know what you’re saying.  You’re saying things in a similar vein to the things I’ve been told all my life.  From my family, my church friends, my school bullies and teachers, my employers, my lovers, and random strangers on the street and in venues.  You’re expressing the voices that you hear inside yourselves, and from the media, and from all your peers, and it’s the voice of fear. 

The fear of sticking out, and of fitting in, and of doing things differently, and of heeding the call of the wild within.  The fear of what might happen if you threw all expectations to the wind and did what you really wanted to do.  Fear of what it might mean if those radical unstrung hippies were really ONTO something.  Fear of success, and fear of failure.  Fear of the dark and messy emotions.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of the future, especially if the whisperings of change and revolution come off.  Fear of what’s on the other side of what you’ve been told is ‘right’.   And a monumental fear of getting it right.  Loving ourselves and each other.  Letting love in. 

And of course at the root of it all for many of us, it’s fear of death and pain and grief (what would happen if we lost a loved one!), fear of joy and happiness and wild abandon, and fear of sex and love and intimacy (what would happen if we felt it and then it WENT! And even worse, what would happen if it stayed…..), and fear of birth and its inherent power and magics (what would happen if it went WRONG!  And even more, what would happen if it went perfectly……)

I don’t have to read your comments and your hate and fear, because I see reflections of it all around me.  The hateful things we say about each other in private and in the media.  The hate and fear we have for people who swim upstream, leave the flock, challenge our norms.  I see you when we go shopping, and you give us a filthy judgemental look, and I knew you really well at school.  You’re expert at creating teasing nick names, cause you got called so many yourself.  I knew you most painfully in my family.  The taunts and barbs and cruelties visited on me by siblings and parents who were giving to me what they felt for themselves, and also what was done to them. 

And through my adult life as I’ve slipped from one reality to another on a search for my truth, testing out hierarchy after cult fetish, and besotted short lived utopia, after tangled dream………I’ve got to know a lot of the stereotypes and judgements and boxes and ways, that folk that think they’re fitting into the ‘mainstream,’ can shred the self esteem of the ‘others’.

And I’ve danced and whirled and tried my best to impress, and to make you love me, and accept me, and understand me.  And I’ve taken all the things that you’ve said to heart and examined them, and examined them, until I can work out what belongs to me and what belongs to you.  Till I can understand the impact of your harsh comments.   I sucked those criticisms and judgements into my skin, and wore them and carried them for as long as I thought I deserved them.  They became my critical voices and internal cynics that tried hard to hurt me before anyone else could.  And I’ve learnt so well about love and hate and fear, and in the process of becoming who I really am, I’ve faced fear after fear after fear, and it’s getting to the point where I really love my fears, cause I know that the embracing of them is going to be one helluva authentic ride.  One incredible story to tell.  And another deep lesson to learn. 

You’ve led me a merry chase trying to get your approval, till we come to a time when I really know that I just don’t need it.  I don’t need the approval of a society that hides from itself and rapes the world whilst pretending that it’s all Santa Clauses and Tooth Fairies and bargain hunting………was it you that got that note from the woman in a slave labour camp in China tucked into your plastic toy?  I don’t need the approval of my family of birth, who are all tucked up in their own realities.  I don’t need to keep searching for a place to fit in, because it’s all around me, everywhere.  And late at night, or in intense life moments, or when you have enough of whatever drug you need in your system to let your guard down and tell your truth………..I know that all the bitterness and hate and judgement that you project, is the nest that your soul lays in.  I know you judge harshly in others what you can’t deal with in yourself.  And I also know that underneath the prickliest exteriors and hardest faces……lay the biggest hurts and softest hearts behind barbed barricades.

And here’s where the thanks comes in. 

I’m so glad that you’ve been there with your examples and lessons cause you’ve taught me to just keep going.  You’ve forced me to evolve.  You’ve shown me that there really is no safe harbour in societies expectations, and that the only really true haven is to be found in self love and acceptance, and connection to the rest of creation.  And you’ve taught me enough in my years on this earth about pain and fear and sticking out, that I can feel the shakes in my body, and not take it on.  Not need to peek at what you’re saying about me!  Not feel an urge to try and change your mind and get your approval.  Not feel a nagging doubt somewhere at the back of my head that you may be right. 

What was it Mae West said about no press being bad press?  You angry mob have actually brought more people to my blog than anything else in its history.  And some have been kind enough to let me know, that even though they thought I was totally whacky in many ways, I’ve also written bits that really made them think.  Presto.  Shazam.  What an awesome result.  Couldn’t think of a better outcome.  I know that even if you’re metaphorically vomiting in your lap as you read my words, that a seed of love nonetheless goes in, and someday may get nurtured.  And I know that even if you’re attracted to me as someone to spit at and despise, that you’re still attracted to me.  There’s something in me that mirrors you, or whispers to you, or tempts you, or secretly delights you, and you can’t but help give me whatever it is that comes to you first, while you take tid bits of me back to your cave, to ponder in the silent hours. 

Cause we’re all literally one.  I know you so well, because I know myself.  And my voices that have come and gone, and been quiet and strident, and are all finally on gentle speaking terms.  I feel more and more a gentle metamorphoses opening and waking between me and the rest of me, of parallel paths coming into clearer focus.  Our great human clan is walking nearer each other all the time, and getting closer and closer to stopping in its tracks, turning to really look at each other, and give ourselves a hug.  We’re coming out of our isolation, and our loneliness, and our fears, and our seperations, and seeing that we’re all family afterall. 

Keep doing what you’re doing one and all!  Because it’s all these tendrils of possibility and connection that are being formed as a fragile web, that we’ll strengthen with our gatherings and the love we feel with the families we form.  As all our possibilities within the universe come together to weave the song of our lessons.  All the dark and sordid stories and the grievings and the fears, will add their deep blooded colours to the learnings and the feelings we can be. 

For a new age is upon us.  An age where after having explored the perimeters of our boundaries, of how far we’ll go, of how bad it can get, we come back to ourselves.  Mature.  Make peace with ourselves, and our internal mother and father and child, and grow into the humans that we want and need to be.  That we already are and always have been. 

Consciously evolving into chaotic harmony and the sacred balance of life.  Taking our part in the terrestrial dances of total interconnection and harmonising symphonies. 

So bullies and haters?  You’re doing your bit to force the evolution and self awarenesses of the people you attack.  In my case at least.  I hope that one day you find peace enough in yourselves, that you can choose to stop giving other people a hard time about who they are. 

Peace.

And thank you.

P.S.  This little meme turned up on Facebook just in time to be totally relevant.....














28 comments:

  1. Ha! Take that haters!

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  2. Love to you dear Hellena you beautiful soul.... I just drank your words in, cried at their beauty and marvelled at your wisdom.... yes thankyou and bless you haters!!

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    1. Thank you so much for your feedback gorgeous one! And I'm glad that it worked for you. This has been such a ride! And mostly good all the way....

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  3. oh, youre just gorgeous, you really truly are <3

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    1. why thank you beautiful anonymous person, and you are too!

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  4. Amongst my amazing teachers, one spent 20 years in chinese jail for nothing and came out with more love than almost possible other have done retreats for years taking on the suffering of all etc- I consider you a teacher and the harsh times that have been through a way to bring enlightenment to the dark and cloudy, sad and lonely people out there, teachers usually know that great resistance begins the students ascent into truth of being. Thank you and flowers at your feet! I am so happy that these people have come into contact with you and sometime on their road that small seed you planted and that they unwisely covered in distrust will grow into understanding. x- Good Job Bodhi Lady!

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    1. Oh I love you, and I'd have to say that your comments on here are definitely some of the most heartfelt and hug some!! Count myself very lucky to have you in my virtual circle....... Thank you and big love on your adventures!!

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  5. Great post... Inspiring words, making a complex issue, clear.

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  6. "Yay" for you Helena. I feel so much truth in your words and I feel joy that the world has you in it and not afraid to speak that truth, reflecting it for all. Thanks heaps once again xx

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    1. Thank you so much darlin!! It means a lot to me that you took the time to let me know. Keeps me going!

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  7. I was so moved by this post Hellena and very inspired. I am in awe of your lifestyle and inspired by you to be a better person and a gentler mumma.
    Those haters must have very empty lives.

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    1. Thank you so much and I reckon you're right and they do. Imagine spending your free hours reading and commenting on things that you hate! Got so much more energy for things that I love.....

      And thank you too for your beautiful feedback! Makes it all worthwhile...

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  8. I can't believe you seriously had to post this...are people so very shallow and small-hearted as all that?

    You are an inspiration to me;I'm sure, to so many.
    I will likely never meet you, as I live in the States, but I've read so many posts, and you seem to have a gift both for fearless self exploration, and honest, open sharing.

    You are so often posting exactly what I need to hear, or delve into myself. You give me the strength to jump in, be myself, like myself. (not alone, of course, we none of live in a bubble!) but your voice is one of the ones spurring me through the fear and hatred I've encountered in my own life.
    I thank you for this. Please continue.

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    1. Beautiful Kate, I don't reckon I could stop if I tried. Been trying to voice my voice a whole lifetime, and I'm starting to feel as if some folk are really hearing me!

      And if they hear me and I have an impact, no matter how small, then it's even better. I've believed for so long that everything is connected and one, and been practicing it even if I didn't believe it, and writing stuff that a whole bunch of other people get, and that they feel like they could write themselves, just makes that whole concept more tangible.

      Thank you so much for 'getting' me, and for letting me know. And for being you! Can't have too much of that in the world......

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  9. Have you heard the "Snark" board may be in some legal trouble? Seems the Administrator was asking for donations for non-profit reasons and putting them in their own pocket.
    So, as I knew to begin with, you are a much better person the the ones doing the snarking. And now so does everyone else.

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    1. Well thank you old hippie for letting me know.......and for having faith in me being a good person! And giving me another illumination of how often when folk are pointing the finger, there's three pointing back at them. Big love to you :)

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  10. I drop by now and then, sometimes I likes what you say, and honestly sometimes I don't, as is natural and normal in the world of opinions and ego. But I think you matter and your family matters and it is sad that people in this world think that you have less right than others to matter. I am grateful for your insights and take on the world as I know are many others and while you don't need to me validate you, I am happy to know that when I need to shift my thinking, there is someone there with a new, fresh and hilariously intellegent perspective.

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    1. Oh Yeshe I love your input! And I love that sometimes you think I'm a wierdo (so do I, but at least it's another perspective eh!) And I love that you think that we matter. I especially love that last line, and I'm wrapped that you get a laugh out of it as well. I guess that's all I really want in the world. I'm not trying to tell anyone to do anything at all, except to maybe be who they really are, cause it's a hard and tricky path sometimes but so worth the adventure! Especially when in the expressing of it, you bump into awesome people like you along the way....

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  11. When you have the guts to BE you threaten to open the eyes of those in slumber - the sleeping pill called economic society can only last so long.
    From ME - just another part of YOU ;)

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    1. I love you NewAgeGranny! And I love how you put that......the sleeping pill called economic society......been thinking on that a lot lately, and feel a big post coming on about how I think we've all collectively got in this mess. And I love all the parts of me, no matter how challenging they may be at times, but especially love new age grannies full of such wit and life :)

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  12. Hellena I read your blog from time to time. You take me away to a dreamy place and fill my mind with questions and answers and all sorts of wonderful things. I live such a different life to you but I am inspired by you. Amazing strong beautiful soul you are. Jillian

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    1. Thank you Jillian, what a beautiful comment. I love that my writing brings you such gifts! And I've been so fortunate to come across so many many different people in my time.......I just love humans so much! Especially the unique and quirky, and the ones that seem very 'normal', but have a whole personality or passion or secret life going on. I've learnt (finally) to never judge ANYONE, cause the surprises I get from the most unexpected people, always remind me that there is no end to the countless creative expressions of the human spirit.

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  13. I am a longtime lurker of your blog.

    While I absolutely think that you are a mad, crazy woman (the homebirth of twins story, your living situation, the names of those children, the whole strange lot!) - it is what I love about you. You have huge balls and you live by your own rules. You dontr care what anyone says. You live your life and your family is happy and loved and your home is warm, kind, and safe.

    I do not aspire to raise my children as you raise yours, nor am I able to live the way that you do. But your carefree, reckless abandon for thoughts like mine is why I come here to read - to escape into your fantasy life. Which isnt a fantasy for you - its real. I think theres real beauty in that.

    Dont give in to haters. Keep doing what you are doing!

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    1. Trisha Springfield I think you're the bees knees!!! And I love that you love that I'm nuts :) And essentially what you describe here, is a wish that I have for the world.....to be able to appreciate each other for our diversity, and celebrate our differences, and learn from each other, no matter how apparently opposite we are.

      I also love lurkers. Especially when they come in from the fringe to let me know. I even more appreciate being able to notice when lurkers decide to unlurk. Sometimes even the longest time lurker can stay hidden for ages, only to have something expressed that pulls on their heart strings enough to step out. And I consider those moments and when they occur to be quite exquisite.

      Thank you so much for leaving so much room in your scope of happy and loved and alive, that there's room for us! And thanks for being another person to say I have huge balls. I'm liking that compliment...it feels kinda apt :)

      Thanks for unlurking and thanks for the encouragement, it means a lot to me!

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  14. I confess I found you through the snarking people. Anyway, I really like this post. I think it is well-written and clearly describes some of the features of the snarking world. I reckon most people are either unaware or scared of the immense personal power we all have. You're right, people are taking notice of you. I think the online world is amazing, it contains good and bad, and for me I try to use it for good (I.e being friendly and still feeling free to disagree passionately with people sometimes). As you say, not everyone is going to agree with everyone else's beliefs! I am someone who is concerned about the effect of religious fundamentalism on children, so I find I am often reading people's views on that. Expressing and owning strong views without belittling others for fun is a skill that can be learnt I hope. Anyway, you have my love and best wishes.

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    1. I could reach right through the screen and give you a hug! I reckon you're awesome :) Thanks for your honesty, and thanks for your obvious self awareness and reflection, and thank you for being so open to difference, and thank you for your approach of friendly debate, and thanks for being concerned about the effect of religious fundamentalism on children. Maybe sometime I should write a post about that, because after all this time and water under the bridge........I'm profoundly greatful for it. For my religious upbringing that is, and all the places I had to go to understand and transform it, into who I really was. In fact there isn't a single thing I'd change about any of it. Because all of it brought me to here, and I wouldn't want to be anyone else for quids.

      And most of all, thank you especially for your love and best wishes, and may it return to you in a thousand delightful ways.

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I love your comments, and your feedback......it makes this whole blogging thing worthwhile. Peace and blessings to you!